shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
