Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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