yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
