What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
