there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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