you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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