I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
