So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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