Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
