Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
