If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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