i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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