Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
