Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
