I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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