So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize