I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
