Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
