if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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