Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize