shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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