Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
