bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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