My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
