This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
