If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
