sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
