I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
