i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize