watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You're like the curious george of whores
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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