So drunk its hurt
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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