I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
