i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
