Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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