Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
