Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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