Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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