The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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