I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
