I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
