i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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