you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
