I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Define "chronic" masturbator.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
