I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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