I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
