Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
