:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
