remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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