I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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