I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
