This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
