The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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