i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize