this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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