you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
