I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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