listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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