Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
