omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
