I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize