Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
