The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
