they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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