wrigley field is MILF paradise
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
