I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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