maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
