why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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