So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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