Ambien. No doubt about it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
