sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
