the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize